


For Old Times' Sake

by Magicnation



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Post-Canon, THB, aka disaster boys, imminent death is good for team bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 02:00:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14864523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magicnation/pseuds/Magicnation
Summary: One fine winter day, the THB visit their old suite. It's more boring than nostalgic, so naturally they agree to engage in some irresponsible spelunking.Taako wastes a spell slot. Magnus gives a piggy-back ride. Merle gets unnecessarily cuddled.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus views terrible television programming. Taako gains a few pounds. Merle creeps on cave flora.

Taako flings himself onto the couch and drapes an arm over his eyes. “I’m booooored.”

“We walked in the door five minutes ago, dumbass!” Merle chastises from his reclining position on the other couch.

“An’ geroff me!”

“What’s wrong with quality Taako time, Mags? My cuddles are in high demand, ya know.” He settles his body more deliberately on top of the burly fighter’s. The human responds with a muffled protest that sounds approximately like the words “I was here first.”

“The armchair in this room is perfectly nice. Why the fuck do you have to lay on Magnus?”

“Because I want to lay down, Merle, and there are only two couches in our stupid old suite. Shit, I’m glad we outgrew this place.”

Magnus makes a move to push Taako off, but the elf lazily waggles his fingers and drawls, “Sorry, Maggie, I know I’m such a _Dead Weight._ ” A sudden _oof_ escapes Magnus as the slender elf gains several hundred invisible pounds.

Merle narrows his eyes at the wizard. “Did you learn that spell just for today?”

“Had a feeling you assholes would steal my couches at some point. Oh, what’s that, Magnus? You give up?”

A desperate “Mm-hmm!” sounds from below.

“Alright, get outta here.” Taako lifts himself up just enough for Magnus to roll onto the floor, panting to catch his breath.

Taako settles in and pulls the afghan over his willowy frame, dispelling his weight charm with a breath. “You gave in so fast, Maggie. I thought you would have a bit more in you. You must be really out of shape.”

“Fuck off,” Magnus grumbles into the carpet.

Silences settles over the three as Taako dozes off. Magnus props his head on an arm and turns on some TV. Merle quietly pages through his Extreme Teen Bible and muses to himself that were it not for all the dust, one would never have guessed that the Tres Horny Boys hadn’t been in this room in over eighteen months.

About half an hour passes before Taako stirs. After hearing no comment from his companions, he huffs loudly into the unmoving air. Still getting no response, he rolls over to see what’s on the TV.

“Are you watching _The Fantasy Bachelor?_ You’re such a dweeb.”

“There’s really nothing else on,” Magnus says. “Unless you want to watch _Magically Catfished._ ”

“Ew, no.”

“Alright then.”

Another silence holds for about three minutes, during which time Taako flips, flops and sighs with as much volume as he can muster. Finally he throws a leg over the back of the couch. 

“Bored now.”

“What the hell do you want us to do about it?” Merle shuts his book in exasperation.

Taako shoots straight up and swings his legs to the floor, eyes gleaming. “Let’s go do something.”

Magnus groans from the floor. “We’re going to die, aren’t we?”

“It’s Tuesday, I know how to restrain myself.”

“You really don’t.”

 

“I can’t believe we let you talk us into this,” Magnus hisses as he light a torch.

“Lighten up, buckaroo, you know you wanna go wail on the forces of evil and shit. Just like, for old times’ sake.” 

“Okay, but if we get lost down here and I miss the train back to Bottlenose Cove I will bear the holy wrath of Pan down upon you,” Merle says, running his hands over the damp stone walls of the cave. “We don’t even know what’s down here anyway.”

“I know, that’s why we’re here, amigo! Time to get back in the heroing biz. The people need us and stuff!”

“For all we know it’s just the wind making noise and the farmers’ cattle are being killed by wolves or bandits or whatever.”

“Do we live in the same world? If something’s eating the farmers’ cattle, it’s something we need to kill. That’s just how it _works._ ”

“He’s got a point,” Magnus calls from around the next bend.

“Okay, okay, but we all agree that this is a bad idea, right?” Merle insists.

Magnus glances over his shoulder. “Aren’t all of our ideas?”

“Touché.”

“Now that we’re all agreed,” Taako says, inspecting his glow-in-the-dark fingernails.

“Now, hang on a second!”

“Fucking _what,_ Merle?”

“Aren’t you even a _little_ concerned that we have no idea what’s living in this cave?”

Taako rolls his eyes exaggeratedly down at Merle as the cave floor slopes downward beneath their feet. “Name one thing on this plane of existence that is big and bad enough to give Taako and Company the briefest moment of concern.”

“All manner of crazy shit.”

“Yeah but like _name one._ ”

“I mean, I’m kinda with Taako?” Magnus interjects. “Whatever’s hanging out down here, I’m sure it won’t kill us before we kill it.”

“Considering how many things have tried to kill us _after_ we killed them…”

“You know what, Merle, maybe they’d stay dead if you weren’t such a shitty-ass cleric.” Taako pokes at Merle antagonizingly.

“Says the wizard who dragged us off to gods-know-where to fight gods-know-what in a cave after wasting a spell slot on couch space.” Merle pushes the elf’s faintly glowing finger out of his face. “And after calling Magnus ‘out of shape,’ no less. I’m just saying, maybe we should think about what we’re getting ourselves into?”

“Hmph. You are so much less fun after getting your memories back. Thanks for being a buzzkill, _dad._ ”

Magnus stops abruptly, causing Taako to bounce off of his backside. “Taako. What the fuck?”

Merle plants his hands on his hips and fixes with the wizard with a stern, demanding look. “Do we have a problem?”

Taako gives his braid a flippant toss as he turns his nose in the air. “Of course not.” 

The dwarf eyes his willowy friend, an oily feeling settling in his stomach and a heavy one in his heart. There was more to this little Tres Horny Boys reunion than Taako was letting on. The Starblaster crew had just spent Candlenights together a few weeks ago. Taako made some really exotic experimental dishes. The seven of them had seen a lot of each other lately, so it wasn’t like the wizard was just missing the two of them. 

“Okay,” Merle says, knowing it would be no use trying to force the truth out of the elf. Taako probably doesn’t know the answer himself yet. He gives his Extreme Teen Bible a pat as they head deeper into the cave.

The light of Magnus’ torch draws their silhouettes in flickering lines on the cave walls, and the air cools and grows heavy as they continue their descent into the unknown depths. He fingers Railsplitter’s handle and sighs quietly into the stagnant air, seeing his breath curl briefly in the fire’s glow.

“Sheesh,” Taako huffs, wrapping his arms around his torso. “At this rate I’ll be cutting glass with my nipples by supper time.”

“Lot of moss, though,” Merle murmurs.

“Don’t go getting creepy on us, old man.”

“I’ve told you boys before, if you need help understanding the love between a man and his plants, I can recommend an excellent-”

“Oh hell to the no!”

“Thanks but definitely no thanks.” Magnus pauses, straining his senses to detect the source of his sudden unease. “Huh...”

“Magnus? Everything alright?” Merle peers around his friend’s armored legs.

“That little arch thing there. Does that look like…”

Taako saunters forward and gives the portal a look. Glancing inside, he announces, “Looks like a maze, my dudes.”

Magnus shifts his weight back and forth on his feet. “A maze? Should we maybe-”

“Nah, I’m a fucking genius.” Taako walked straight into the maze and turned left. The other two heave a sigh.

“Sometimes I miss ‘good out here’ Taako,” Magnus mutters.

“You and me both.” They follow their partner into the twisting corridors.

 

“Okay. I might be willing to grudgingly pose the tentative possibility that we are, maybe, a little bit turned around.”

“You think?” Magnus spins helplessly in circles while Taako glances back and forth between hallways, trying to figure out where he’d led them wrong.

“That’s it,” Merle declares. He turns to the tangle of moss and ivy adorning the walls, flips open his Bible, and recites a rather lush-sounding verse that has the other two exchanging tight-lipped glances. Then he leans forward and takes one of the leaves in a calloused hand. “Well, aren’t you some lively flora! What is that keeps you growing so beautifully all the way down here?”

He pauses, listening to the rustling response. “A gardener, huh? Who lives in the center of the maze? Well, I’d really like to meet this gardener- I’m something of a botanist, you know- do you think you could point us in the right direction?”

Merle takes the lead now, guiding his team by ear as the friendly moss and trailing ivy point him toward the mysterious gardener who lives in the center of the maze.

“Fucking hell, Merle,” Taako grumbles. “You could have just asked for directions this whole time?”

“Well, I thought I’d let the self-proclaimed genius who burned a precious spell slot on couch space guide us through the mysterious underground labyrinth.”

“At least I had the sense to prepare offensive spells too! You need bolts of arcane power, you need a rainbow binicorn, you got it.”

“I mean, I’ve brought weapons, and Merle always healing ready, so I think we’re okay, Taako.” Magnus brushes a hand over the walls, wondering if they actually stretch up to the ceiling or only seem to. He’s growing increasingly unsettled, but he doesn’t think it has entirely to do with the maze and its mystery inhabitant.

“Of course we’re okay, we’re balling, just the Tres Horny Boys back in the saddle.” 

That sounds to Magnus like it might be important, but before he can figure out why, Merle lifts a hand. “Think we’ve found it, boys.” He’s appraising a simple, carved wooden gate.

“Fi-nally!” Taako adjusts his hat. “What are we waiting for? Let’s do something ill-advised of dubious moral value!”

Ah, Magnus thinks. I get it. He grins at Taako. “That’s what we do best, isn’t it?”

Merle gives them a disapproving look, but then notices Magnus’ conspicuously waggling eyebrows. There’s a youthful eagerness in the fighter’s eyes that Merle hasn’t seen since- huh.

He thinks back to the cocky human kid who boarded the Starblaster with him, the young warrior who thought he was invincible. A hundred years of fighting and sometimes dying took that from him. The theft of those years had briefly put it back.

What glimmers in Magnus’ eyes is the joyful reclamation of carefree indomitability. Glancing over to his other companion, Merle catches Taako’s eye. And the elf is all coiled energy, just waiting to be released.

If he’s being honest, Merle kinda misses this.

He tilts his head toward the gate. “Come on, then, let’s do something we’re all gonna regret!”

“Fuck _yes,_ my man!”

“Didn’t expect anything less!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merle meets a gardener. Magnus gets a workout. Taako makes a wrong turn.

Taako leans down. “Um. Merle?”

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Is that what I think it is?”

“A glorious spread of calla lilies and blooming-”

“No, dumbass, the _gardener._ ”

“Oh. Oh!” Merle squints at the bent figure. “Is that what I think it is?”

“Ugh!” Taako throws his hands up in disgust. “Hey! Mr. Bull Dude! Are you what we think you are?”

The figure rises to about eight feet in height and turns to look at them. “Who you,” it rumbles, “and why you staring at me?”

“Uh, well, ya know-”

“‘Staring’ has kind of a negative connotation, I think-”

“Boy howdy, your pecs must have their own gravitational pull! What, why are you two looking at me like that?”

“You shouldn’t be here,” the bull-man rumbles.

“Look, pal,” says Merle, spreading his hands placatingly. “I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot. See, I’m actually a real big fan of your work.”

“Fan?” The minotaur cocks its head.

“Oh yeah! Look at these lilies and violets and orchids. These would be hard to grow above ground. But you’ve got them flourishing in a cave!”

“I like cave!” the furry gardener bellows. “No people in cave! Only plants!”

“But, like, you have to leave the cave, right?” Taako asks. “To eat and stuff?”

“Never leave cave. Grow own food. You leave cave now.”

“Oh, so you’re a vegetarian?” Magnus sys.

Angry brown eyes appraise the armor-clad warrior. “No.”

Magnus glances over at the others. “Guys? Did you see that look? I didn’t like that look.”

“That was definitely an eat-you-for-dinner look,” Taako says. 

“Yes! Intruders are nutritious dietary supplement!” The minotaur roars, with far greater volume than expected, and the whole cave shudders in response. A heavy cracking sounds from outside, followed by a cumbersome lumbering. A pair of earth elementals ambles into the garden.

The minotaur smiles with its teeth. “Hunting party!”

“Bring it on, you overgrown-”

“Hang on, Mags,” Merle says with a frown. “Did he say _hunting_ party?”

Taako looks over his shoulder at a long strand of ivy that has grown into a curling, lashing whip. “Um… are we supposed to be running?”

The elementals move to flank them, leaving the path to the gate wide open. The ivy lashes at their backs, and the minotaur hefts an enormous spear. 

“Oh bullshit, where did he get that!” Taako jumps three feet to the left, the spear landing right where he’d been standing a moment ago. “Yeah, I think we’re supposed to be running, my dudes.”

“Good hunter,” the minotaur says, thumping his chest. “Give prey sporting chance.”

“What do you think, guys?” Magnus asks, deflecting a crushing blow from an elemental with some difficulty.

“If we run, and you leave me behind-”

“I’ll carry you, Merle, don’t worry.”

“And I’ll throw down some cover fire, just can we please get out of the murder garden?”

“Prey have five seconds to run. Four, three…”

Magnus picks Merle up and throws him over his shoulder without ceremony. Taako has already bolted into the maze. As the other two emerge from the gate, he throws up a stone wall in the entrance to slow their pursuers.

“Oh, shit. Taako, you’re leading again?”

“Unless Merle would like to call out directions from his ass-front view!”

“I think _Speak with Plants_ will wear off soon. Also, can’t really breathe with Maggie’s shoulder digging into my rib cage.”

“Ugh, hang on.” Magnus reaches up and, with much fumbling and jostling, gets Merle seated properly on his shoulders.

“Whoo! Okay, I remember this spot. Turn left, Taako.”

“Turning!”

“Good, good. Alright, you, ah, beautiful twisting vines, which way do we- oh, you’re against us now? Um. Fuck.”

“Gods damn it, Merle!”

“Not my fault that your escape plan hinged on a time-limited ability to communicate with agents of our enemy!”

“Fuck! Whip vines!” Taako dances around a lashing tendril and keeps running. Magnus fishes out a knife and cuts the growth out of his path.

They race through the maze, Taako ahead and Merle frequently calling out directions from his perch. For minutes that seem like ages the trio twist and turn, tearing blindly through the labyrinth with looming walls.

Finally Taako turns them into their sixth four-way intersection. “Okay. Shit. We really need a new plan.”

Magnus readjusts his grip on Merle’s legs, panting for breath. There are no plants in this clearing, and the sounds of pursuit seem a little distance behind. He steals a glance at the ceiling.

“Can we just bust our way out?”

“I’ve got a better question,” Merle interjects. “Any chance you’ve got some teleportation magic, Taako?”

“Um… well, no. Not today.” Taako’s arms are over his head, and he looks around as he sucks wind, eyes roving for opportunity.

“Well, what have you got?”

“Well, if you need a cloud of noxious gas...”

“Really? You have that one?”

“It’s good for a laugh!”

“Criticize spell choice later,” Magnus says, nudging Taako urgently. “Run now!”

Taako wants to make a fuss about how much exercise he most certainly had not signed up for, but he finds he needs the oxygen for keeping his legs moving. 

This is really not what he had envisioned when said he wanted to go hunting for trouble.

Not for the first time since rushing headlong into the maze, he debates the value of breaking through walls at random and hoping to stumble onto familiar- and passable- territory. He makes a right turn, slides to a stop before a mountain of sentient rock, and spins right back out of the narrow passage, pushing Magnus down the other hall. The human warrior takes the lead, and Taako devotes the spare mental capacity to problem solving.

Magnus’ lungs are burning, and his calves are screaming in protest from all the sudden direction changes. Merle is pointing out hostile plant life and helping them to avoid it, occasionally bashing foliage with his holy book on the way past.

A wrong turn. A hulking earthen creature. Magnus slams it out of the way with his arm and the hilt of his knife and darts past. He can hear Taako blow a raspberry at it as the wizard slides between the enraged elemental’s legs. Damn, Magnus thinks absently as he follows the continuous corridor. Taako really has some moves.

Damn, Taako thinks. My legs can’t take much more of this. Up ahead, Magnus stops, curses out loud. 

“Wha- what is it, homie?” Shit, Taako can hardly breathe.

“Dead end,” Merle pronounces grimly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako gives questionable directions. Magnus uses his fist. Merle takes a leap of faith.

“So here’s what I’m thinking,” Taako begins.

“We’re screwed.”

“Shut up, Merle! Magnus, remember how you said you wanted to bust our way out of here?”

“Um, yeah…” Magnus shoots a nervous glance at the approaching elemental, trying to calculate how long he can afford to wait to set Merle down and make their stand.

“How thick do you think the ceiling is?”

“Merle, keep on eye on that guy, get ready to fight. Okay, the ceiling.” Magnus eyes it, biting his lip in appraisal. “Well, we came down pretty far, but these walls are sculpted from most of that distance. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ceiling were kinda thin.”

“That’s all I needed to hear. Buckle up, boys, we’re taking the Taako Express straight to the surface.”

“Hey, guys? The rock man is getting very clo- whaaa!”

Merle floats off of Magnus’ back, and the fighter’s feet are pulled from the ground. Magnus feels a sinking in his stomach, and he reaches out for Merle. He pulls the dwarf against his chest with arm and with the other seeks Taako, who shoves him away with a snort.

“No way, dingus. What part of ‘we’re taking the express route to the ceiling’ did you not understand?”

“He reversed gravity again, dumbass.” Merle’s voice is muffled by Magnus’ arm, and the cleric is squirming to be released. Magnus lets him go.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry,” he mutters sheepishly. Last time Taako had done this, they hadn’t been standing in the field. 

“Brace for impact, fellas,” Merle announces.

“Already?” Magnus throws his arm up just in time to avoid slamming his head into the roof of the labyrinth and falls over on his back. Taako alights gently, upside-down and bending his legs to absorb the impact. Merle curls in protectively on himself and hits the stones, rolling briefly and landing in a prone position alongside Magnus.

Looking around, Magnus notes that the walls, in fact, are not the full height of the room. About ten feet of clearance, he estimates.

“Merle, my man?” Taako is frowning at them, hand on hip. “Quit laying around. We’ve got company and I need your help for our escape route.”

“Huh?” Merle lifts himself up and turns to face the elemental which has floated up with them. 

“Damn it.” Magnus leaps to his feet and throws the Chance Lance at the creature, causing it to falter in its approach.

Merle rushes over to Taako. “Whatcha need?”

“ _Stone Shape,_ amigo. Make me a hole.”

“It’s not gonna reach the surface, bud. And don’t you have a thing that makes holes?”

“I know, and I may or may not have left that at home. Just do it!”

“Okay, if you insist.” Merle touches the smooth rock and does a quick chant.

“Alright, go take over on defense. Magnus, punch time, get over here.” Taako stands before a hole in the ceiling, five feet in diameter and depth. Magnus recalls the Chance Lance and rushes over to the elf. He can see that the earth in the bottom- the top?- of the hole is a little softer than the stone that had concealed it.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Phantom Fist that hole until you bust your way out, duh. I’ll help Merle lay down some cover fire.”

“Okay, fisting the hole!” 

“Fuck you, Magnus.”

The ceiling trembles as Magnus pounds his left fist into the dirt, blowing through several feet of stone and soil at a time. He can hear the familiar sizzle-pop of Taako’s magic missiles connecting with their target, and shouts from below as the minotaur and his magical lackeys discover their quarry.

A ray of freezing cold arcs just over his bent frame and connects with a small stalactite as he slams his fist into the dirt one last time. A beam of sunlight dazzles him blind.

“Ow! Fuck!” Magnus throws his right arm over his eyes, fumbling with the other to open the hole to person size. “Guys! We’re through!”

“Sick! Everybody in, carefully! Don’t want you falling into the sun.”

“I have rope, Taako. Anchoring it now.”

“Oh shit, that is a good idea. I mean, obviously that was the next step of my plan- oof, who’s shooting? Good job figuring it out, Mags.” Another blast of his magic brings the roof-bound elemental to its knees.

“Unbelievable,” Merle grumbles, throwing a bolt of sacred fire at the minotaur and his plants below. 

Magnus finishes anchoring the rope and lowers the loose end through the hole. “Ready to go! I’ll cover you!”

“Well, you boys have fun,” Merle says, absconding the battle as quickly as his dwarven legs can carry him. “I have a train to catch!” 

“Wha-? Gods damn it, Merle, wait for me!” Taako slides after him up the rope.

Casting a final glance over his shoulder, Magnus notes the minotaur rapidly closing on their area of the maze. 

“Hurry up, Magnus!” How does Merle’s voice sound so far away already? Magnus grabs the rope.

Now the three of them are dangling upside-down over a large grassy hill, trees and homesteads on all sides. Taako and Merle have caught themselves some distance above Magnus.

“Okay, my dudes,” Taako shouts. “Now, I need you both to swing us as far as you can to, ah, let’s go with the right.”

“How?” Merle demands.

“I’ve got an idea.” Magnus grips his feet against the rope and fishes with one hand for the Chance Lance. “Kick on three! One, two, three!”

He hurls the lance into the ground to his left. Taako and Merle kick out at the same time, swinging them in the opposite direction.

“Okaynowletgoandtrustme!” Taako yells, taking his own advice and flying through the air. Without hesitation, Magnus lets go of the rope.

“Are you crazy?”

“Just trust me, Merle!” The wizard’s voice is frantic. Merle lets go, and a moment later he’s floating gently toward the earth. Arms the size of tree trunks catch him, and he looks up at Magnus’ exhilarated grin. 

“Thank god,” Taako says. “Would have hated to waste a spell slot on you.”

Magnus snorts. Merle opens his mouth to retort, but he’s become aware of his heart pounding his chest and the fact that he is, not for the first time on this ridiculous quest, being cradled against Magnus’ chest, and, well. Suddenly it all seems very funny.

“What are you fuckers laughing at?” Taako demands, putting his fists on his hips. A light breeze brushes a wisp of golden hair in front of his face, tickling his nose and ruining his threatening posture. Magnus starts guffawing like a gleeful geriatric donkey, and the elf can’t stifle a snicker of his own. Magnus sets Merle down, and the dwarf plops right down on the hillside and laughs with his face turned up at the bright blue sky. 

The next moment, a great roar draws their attention back to the hole. A large furry shape rockets out of it and toward the sun. Astonished into silence, they watch it sail into the sky and arc toward the forest and out of sight.

Taako looks over at the anti-gravity hole. “Oops. Should maybe turn that off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere in the draft form of this chapter I have the following note written:
> 
> [Under the warm sun, they exult in their victory. Then they remember that they are the Tres Horny Boys, and no adventure of theirs is complete without collateral damage that could have been avoided if they possessed a shred of competence.]
> 
> Sorry, boys. I love you all so much.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako gets a bird's-eye view. Magnus loses his grip. Merle teaches fire safety.

Coming up the gravel road, the trio arrive at the edge of town.

The farming settlement of Honeymond is quieter at two hours past noon than big cities like Goldcliff or Neverwinter, but the streets are still lined with innocent passersby. People buying groceries, traveling between work and home, early drinkers hitting the tavern. Children play in the streets, a group of them engaged in a lively game involving a series of hoops on the ground. 

It’s a child who first sees the monster. A dusty, unkempt youth whose slack-jawed gaze directs the attention of the three adventurers to their foe.

Its fur is matted with blood and gore, and a trail of crimson spatters leads back toward the fields of the cattle farmers they’d come here to protect. It spots them, and its nostrils flare with rage. 

“You. You break my home. You die now.”

The child screams as the beast charges toward the three heroes. Barreling across the street, it overturns a cart full of potatoes and a startled mule too slow to move out of its path. Dozens of townsfolk pour out of the buildings lining the road, curious to see what the commotion is about.

“We have to put some space between this thing and people,” Magnus yells, hefting his axe and dropping into a ready stance.

“Hang on, I’m gonna summon some reinforcements,” Merle says. As Magnus swings into the charging minotaur’s path and digs his legs in to repel the brute, the cleric does just that. His Guardian of Faith appears in a bright flash, awaiting his orders. 

“Della Reese! Protect the townsfolk, would ya?” Merle instructs. Raising her shield, the conjured spirit moves into a defensive position between the scattering crowd and the battle.

Palm upward, Taako raises his hand toward the sky. Slimy tentacles shoot out of the ground at their enemy’s feet, winding around it and lifting into the air, along with Magnus, who is still fighting the minotaur for possession of his axe.

“Oops! I mean, uh, all part of the plan, homie, don’t worry about it!”

“I’m sure!” Magnus snarls. His opponent roars in his face, the stench of raw meat billowing into his nostrils. Fighting down nausea, Magnus headbutts the minotaur in the face and follows up with a kick to the chest that propels the fighter backward. Tugging on his axe, he feels the weapon slip through his grasp as he sails through the air and lands on one knee a few feet away. 

“Shit!”

A number of the villagers have gathered in a half-circle around the combatants. Dust rises from the tree-lined stretch of dirt road that has become a battleground. Suddenly, the wind picks up, and the air grows thick with grit.

In desperate need of some personal space and a little visibility, Taako levitates himself high into a towering oak. From his perch, he can see that he has mostly escaped the cloud of airborne sediment. He also has an excellent view of their foe’s bulging muscles straining against its constraints, hacking with Railsplitter at the tentacles and cutting itself loose. Severed chunks of the summoned appendages fall to the ground, except for a few which spin out in all directions with the velocity of the axe’s swing. One lands at the feet of onlookers. Another smashes through someone’s front door and taking out a chunk of load-bearing wall.

“Hey! That’s my house!” With a heavy _crack,_ a chunk of chimney crashes down on the building next door.

“Oh my gods! The tavern!”

“Sorry about that!” Merle calls without looking up. He pages through the Extreme Teen Bible with a frown, running his finger down the lines. Finding what he’s searching for, he waggles his fingers with pleasure. A great floating warhammer materializes in the air above the minotaur’s head.

“Stop!” Merle orders. Feeling dozens of eyes turn to him, he grins. “Hammer time.” The conjured weapon crashes down on the minotaur’s head with a thunk.

Rearing back, the angry beast roars to the sky and swings Railsplitter at the warhammer. Merle just barely maneuvers it out of the way. Magnus pulls out the Chance Lance and gives it a heave that would make any fantasy track and field coach proud. It lands in the minotaur’s back with a wet thud. 

A flurry of excitement ripples through the crowd at the spectacle. People in uniforms step out of the crowd and help Della Reese marshal the villagers into line. The minotaur notices the movement and stops. “More town people? Want be dinner too?”

Seeing the charge, Magnus scowls to himself. “Repositioning!” he calls out to his team, sprinting over to stand between the minotaur and the crowd. As he darts past the beast, it sticks its arm out, clotheslining the armored warrior.

Taako watches Merle reorienting his floating hammer into striking position. If the wizard’s hunch is right, their enemy is quickly nearing the end of his carnage spree. 

“Let’s turn up the heat!” A thin stream of fire radiates from his palms toward their opponent.

Magnus sits up then. “What are you doi- ow! Fuck!”

“Stop, drop, and roll, buddy!” Merle advises, bringing the hammer down on his target’s head.

“Stop _laughing,_ old man!” The flaming fighter rolls anyway, dodging the monster’s huge fists as they slam into the ground.

Taako rolls his eyes to heaven. “You chucklefucks are _unbelievable._ ” While Magnus continues to roll back and forth on the ground like a burrito being tossed in the skillet en flambe, Della Reese drifts out at Merle’s command to finish off the weakened minotaur, who goes down bellowing to the sky. 

“Alright, mission successful, good teamwork everyone, when are we getting paid?” Taako drifts lightly to the ground, dusting his hands with satisfaction. 

“Good teamwork? You lit me on fire! How is that teamwork?” Magnus gets to his feet and pats out a small fire on his arm.

“You got in the way of my totally awesome kill shot. If anyone needs to revisit his definition of teamwork, it’s you, Mango.”

“All I did was sit up! That shouldn’t- no, I don’t need your shitty heals, Merle!”

“Aw, come on!”

“Ahem.”

The trio looks up at a stern-faced woman in a militia captain’s uniform, arms crossed over her chest. Taako spreads his hands placatingly.

“Captain Mire! Look, we found what’s killing your farmers’ cattle!”

Her frown doesn’t lift. “What you did was anger a half-bull monster until it was overcome with bloodlust and then launch it out of a hill and into Honeymond, thereby destroying private property, endangering innocent people, and allowing a half-dozen of the cattle you were hired to protect get eaten. It’s a miracle no one was seriously hurt.”

“Well, when you put it _that_ way,” Magnus says, “of course it sounds pretty bad.”

“You crushed the tavern!” yells one of the assembled villagers.

“And my house!”

“Okay, but!” Magnus continues. “We did stop the cattle killing culprit! Right?”

A youth in an ill-fitting uniform steps up with a handful of papers in his hand. “Actually, judging from these reports, there’s no indication whatsoever that a minotaur was responsible for the deaths of the livestock in question. Excluding the most recent ones, obviously.”

“I believe it did say that it never ventured out of the labyrinth for food,” Merle offers.

“Hmph. Well, maybe it employed a bunch of cattle rustlers to bring it food or something.” Taako shrugs. “Also, whose side are you on?”

Mire opens her mouth to counter when Magnus’ stone of far speech crackles. “Magnus? Where are you three?”

With a wide-eyed grimace, he lifts the stone to his mouth. “Lucy, heeey! We’re, ah-”

“Shopping!”

“Canoeing!”

“Magnus.” Lucretia’s using her trademark no-nonsense tone. “I just got some highly unusual reports dropped on my desk. No one has seen you boys in several hours. _Please_ tell me you are nowhere near a town called Honeymond right now.” 

Taako grabs Magnus’ hand and yells into the stone’s mouthpiece. “Never heard of it! Also, you’re not our mom!”

She sighs. “What did you do?”

Captain Mire holds out her hand for the stone. “Is that the Director? I’d like to speak with her.”

Merle leans an arm on Magnus’ hip. “Gentlemen, I think it’s safe to say that we’re busted.”

Taako puts a hand over his mouth and whispers to them conspiratorially. “Totally worth it, my dudes.” Magnus barely stifles a snicker.

“I heard that,” Lucretia scolds.

“You didn’t hear anything!” Giggling, Magnus tosses the stone to Mire, who arches a disapproving brow at them and catches the device.

“Oh yeah,” Merle chuckles quietly. “We’re gonna get an earful.”

Taako rests his arm on Magnus’ shoulder. “So, business as usual, then.”

“Pretty much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who read this far! Hope you all enjoyed it. I really appreciate all the feedback.   
> I'll be back on 11 June with my first fic for TAZ Pride Week 2018. Buckle up, people, and get ready to ride the Rainbow Train- next stop, The Adventure Zone.


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